Starting out

describes name, location - reasons for blogging - pot shots at publishing industry - goals

Well, well, well. My first blogging experience, right here for your enjoyment. Years down the road (if I haven't hit the delete button) I'd look back at this with shame and embarrassment, or humour, probably, and wonder how I ever got into this. But for now, I think this experience is worth exploring. After all, everything should be tried at least once.

I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Angeline, and where I am right now, people seem to refer to me as Angie a lot. That was a habit I tried to discourage when I was younger, as I rather liked my given name. Or, if they must resort to something with fewer syllables, I'd rather people called me Angel. Yeah, Angel was prettier. Unfortunately, things have a habit of taking off on their own, leaving me stuck with the cuter nickname of Angie. If it were nicer to look at, I'd call myself N.G.

As for my location, I'm a Malaysian in Canada. On an extended vacation. During the wintertime. For fun.

I can't begin to tell you how many incredulous looks I've been getting over the fall (which was rather pretty this year, I think). There's a back story to how I ended up being here in Canada for some of the most miserable months of the year, according to most Canadians I've spoken to, but I'll leave it for another post.

So. Why blog? Blogging is passé, apparently. Most people have tried it, and left it for reality, leaving behind them lots of cyberspace junk. I've been avoiding blogs for the most part, either as a reader or a potential blogger. I admit that I don't really read them, unless I stumble upon a post while googling (funny, my spell-check doesn't list 'googling' as a word!). I tried following one or two bloggers of interest to me (science blogs, yeah!) but I wasn't very good as a stalker.

As for posting blogs, well, avoidance was mostly due to time constraints. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a blog, from what I gather. Right now, I'm still wondering if I have what it takes to keep it up.

The other thing that kept me away from blogging was, oddly enough, my job as a writer. The question arises: Why blog when you can write for an established publication? Well, that only makes sense if I were in it for the publicity, the narcissistic urge to see my name in print. Right now, I'm in it for a sense of renewal.

You see, I used to work as a medical writer. I'd churn out news articles for a medical newspaper, and sometimes, we'd go as far as calling what we do journalism. Life happened. Stuff happened. I'm not sure whether I'm ready to go into the details, but sufficed to say, I left the job. Technically, on paper, I'm a freelance medical writer. And that is something I still can and will do, particularly if the grocery bills demand for it.

I gained something when I did that journalism stint. This was on the job training, mind you. I had some great editors who smacked us into place and sent us out into the wild to grill important people. But, somewhere along the way, I lost that edge that made me an interesting writer.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming journalism at all. I think it was the nature of the publication itself. Phrases like "write on demand" or "market-driven" or "client-based" give me the chills these days. The fallout of this situation that I'm trying not to elude to is that writing became difficult. I'm not saying that I'm short of ideas, or that I can't string a sentence together. I can. They're just not interesting anymore.

The news articles became bland and worse than ordinary. Features were dull and ineffective. And the stories I wrote creatively? Blah. My best fictional short story was written almost a year ago. And then, nothing. Something broke.

I know. I know. I've been told not to get all melodramatic about things. I'm quite sure that I'd be able to write properly again. Although, some days I do feel that deep sense of doubt... There is also that lingering feeling that maybe I'm being too hard on myself, and that the reason things seem dull is that I have set my standards too high. That may be true.

I guess, in a roundabout way, I'm trying to say that blogging may be cathartic. And it could force me into a corner, so that I'd have to discipline myself and write every day. And if I avoid doing market-driven, client-based writing-on-demand, I may eventually rebuild my confidence as a writer and restore my integrity as an artiste.

I'm taking baby steps. Eventually, if you stick around long enough, you'd probably know everything about me. And by then, I would have set up a better design layout and introduced a few gadgets here and there for your entertainment.

My goals? Well, all I want for Christmas is to enjoy writing again and for people to be entertained by my posts.

Things used to be easier when I was a child - when I had lost my two front teeth and still talked like a chipmunk...

Spring-cleaned: I'm not a bad writer. I'm just terrible at judging my worth.